Hi!
I wrote this before I even wrote "My love affair with reading”. I felt a little guilty to talk about these things and it felt hard to close. I hope you enjoy regardless and learn a little bit about me!
Oh what do you call it? Childhood trauma
I have never been a grateful person. I always saw the lack that I had that separated me from the other which usually meant better. I didn't grow up with a wifi-router. It may seem trivial, but my mom insisted on using either pocket wifi or her mobile hotspot. Apart from the fact that she was controlling overall, it was also because she's cheap. That doesn't mean though, that I was never well provided for. I was. But I didn't have wifi, a printer, or her to help me with weird difficult projects in cAtHoLic aLL GiRLs school like making a magazine cover.
My classmates were boujie and so were their parents. Their parents were lawyers, senators, actors, and they lived in gated communities where they had one driver to share instead of taking the school bus. Almost all of them were smart, creative, social, and for some reason, had boyfriends. Like, how do you even meet boys when we are in the confines of this damned square campus.
So I've always compared myself to the resources they had. My mom wanted me to be ma-diskarte, resourceful. Because unlike her and her sisters, we (my cousins and I) didn't grow up in poverty. We never ate expired food that we begged our neighbours to give. We had a lecture about how independent our mothers were in second grade doing haggling in market places to buy produce. How they lived in a shoebox apartment in Manila just so they could finally leave their province of Pampanga. How each of them worked odd jobs to fund their younger sister to go to school.
Imagine having this life at barely 20 years old. They are nothing short of resilience.
So I understand, why I was often left alone to do my homework (diligently), why I was left in school until 8pm since my mom was busy getting a Masters from the University across my school. And eventually, come to realize her disappointment. She's worked hard all her life paying for this repressive, anti-girls all-girls school and I got literal 0's and barely passing 75's.
I also can't help but compare my experience growing up to theirs. So yes, I was well provided for, but very early on my dad passed away. So I think being left alone with unresolved grief at eight years old was not motivating for me to focus on school. I was disassociating almost everyday. I remember long drives home from school at night and McDonalds take-out as my mom cries subtly beside me.
That was a lot to unpack but I promise we're getting to the witches and manifesting.
There is no turning point, only a work in progress (and running the risk of sounding like a self-help book)
I wish I could tell you there was this one moment where I changed who I was (ungrateful) as I continue to compare myself in other things. You may have already heard me compare my writing to others, how my use of English literally screams illiterate, how my last post wasn't really long, how I'm too plain and blunt — you get it.
But the difference is the trauma has been resolved and I'm aware of the shit I tell myself (sometimes). And the thing about manifesting is — you need to practice gratefulness. If you're not at least grateful for the first ray of sunshine in three weeks, you are literally going to hell. No, but really, you need to find the casual magic of everyday1. It has to be so simple that anyone who you tell it to might find you stupid, or dumb, or enlightening because you actually took the time to notice it.
And this is essentially a small step to thinking positively. And why that matters is… well the witchy part.
Communicating to the world that not only are you content and are grateful, you start to believe that things can go another way that is better for you.
So now it doesn't sound so witchy, but self-helpy, I know.
The witchy thing is that it works. I left Manila from a place of burning, raging, hate. I drove everyday the distance of 15km in 2 hours, in whatever time I left. Rush hour or not. But I believed in the dream that is living in Europe, in Spain. Which doesn't sound all that fancy now that half of you know what Elche looks like, but the change of scenery meant something new, and it meant breaking away from the insane work culture we have, the insane expectations and the insane salaries (under 200 euros as a starting point anyone?).
But look, it's not like being a Language Assistant is the most fulfilling thing I've done. It was still definitely hard to not speak the language AND handle the red tape at barely 20 years old. On top of that, renew my papers every year. Soon enough the dream life of travelling, the life I am living, became a source of stress. I was eager for the next pay check, albeit late almost always, eager to make trips happen. I never worked prior to coming here so my savings are nonexistent. I felt so guilty asking my Mom for help when I've spent too much enjoying life. So this mentality of thinking positively was trashed.
It's really only now that I'm happy with everything I've done. Knowing me and the things you've read, I have compared my travels to the newer LA's in the program. I've been only to Vienna, Stockholm, Budapest, and Lisbon. All in the span of two years. LA's are taking trips to Paris, Rome, Iceland, — whatever, almost every weekend.
It's only really now that I feel grateful for the experiences I've had. Living independently for the first time, I learned how to trust my decisions, and the importance of taking the time to actually think about what I need to say because, hablo un poco hasta ahora.
I'm so grateful for the friends I found and (sadly) said good-bye to, for the people who actually like my cooking, and for the people that share their food with me. Not only did we share food, we also shared time together. Isn't that so magical in itself?? Not only is being grateful the key to manifesting, but it's also the key to healing.
And it doesn't stop there. Once you've taken the time to appreciate what you have you just continue to notice the little things that make your life so abundant.2 I had just made a list of things I was grateful for the other day and when I walked in a normally jam packed cafe, someone was just about to leave. Coincidence? I just think I manifested them to leave.
What's next?
I'm beginning to think that I have to accept life is suffering. Not the most original hot take as Buddha already did it first, but without these phases of hardship and sadness are what makes life so meaningful. Notice that I said beginning, I'm still quite stressed on where to move forward from now.
Even though I haven't finished “The Unbearable Lightness of Being” I still remember how it felt to truly understand its namesake.
A quote for you because I've always wanted to quote it (indulge me!):
The heaviest of burdens is therefore simultaneously an image of life's most intense fulfilment. The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become. Conversely, the absolute absence of burden causes man to be lighter than air, to soar into heights, take leave of the earth and his earthly being, and become only half real, his movements as free as they are insignificant. What then shall we choose? Weight or lightness?” ― Milan Kundera
It's my third year being a Language Assistant which means it is also my last year in this program. Which in real time, it's going to be my last month. Because it's already been a school year. No one knows better than me how time flies. As much as I want to reflect on the past few years, COVID and the impending doom of illegality, I want to address the more so popular question thrown at me these days: What will you do next?
Although there is no absolute expectation from most of the people who ask, they're just genuinely curious, it's hard for me to answer it so bluntly. But to be blunt, I've applied for another LA program and I'm waiting on a position.
The more honest, unsolicited, raw answer is: I don't know. What I've really wanted from the start was to do a Masters in Art or in Cultural Management after the three years were up. I've always felt like I had time to save but I've flushed my money down coffee's and napolitana's and AVE trains to Madrid and day-trips and menu del dia's. Which in a more positive light just means I enjoyed my money.
But is the issue really my lack of finances? Or is it just me? I recently had a breakthrough while on the way back from a short weekend trip. I was staring at the window of the bus trying to find the coastal views, and I thought, maybe I should change my goals.
I've had the same goal(s) for the past few years and I've always procrastinated on it, moving it for the next year thinking it would be achievable by then. It felt freeing (hence, a breakthrough) to let go of the deadlines I've made for myself. It meant that I can do life at my own pace. Because what I really want is….
Reading
Watching
Heartstopper
Twenty-five twenty-one
The Batman (re-watched)
Listening
Want Me - Baby Queen
New Person, Same Old Mistakes - Tame Impala
As It Was - Harry Styles
Antukin - Rico Blanco
I first encountered this in one of the many vloggers I watch on youtube, her name is UnjadedJade and she is the gratefulness queen. I later came across Ross Gay's Book of Delights, when I had to read it for book club and never finished. Would recommend both anyway!
This hits so close to home bia.
felt felt. i rly wish i can reach the same breakthrough you have bc im still full of financial anxIETY