Today is the fresh new start that I need. It's a Monday. The breeze is cool (now) and the impending summer heat is yet to come. I'm still jittery from the coffee I drank yesterday, but I made iced coffee this morning just to have a drink beside me. You didn't hear it from me but I actually snoozed my alarm and got-up at 8:30am. But that's fine! I'm in front of the computer now. The task that will end this slump once and for all has now commenced.
I was humbled yesterday. While I was scrolling through back issues of Recomendo in search of a cool game for my tutoring gig this week, I found an Ali Abdaal video. If you've been on Youtube at all looking for productivity tutorials you'd know who he is. The now Ex-Doctor now turned Productivity Bro TM has been around for a long time and I haven't watched any of his videos in the last two years, so imagine my surprise that when I found out that he has a company. Ali Abdaal Ltd. And over 3M subscribers.
So I sat at the exact same spot where I am right now, caffeinated, and watched his video on how to stand out among a sea of resumes. The thing is, I've been applying for jobs here and there, both back home and here in Spain. Online or not, English Teacher, Executive Assistant, Call-Center agent, Academic Content Manager, Cultural Teacher, whatever. Some have rejected me, some I haven't finished completing their aptitude tests, some I haven't even applied to yet. So I've been wallowing in both self-pity and also pride. I was honestly doing the bare-minimum in this… job-hunting phase of mine. I thought that since I knew English, I already had the upper-hand. I thought that since I'm based in Spain, I already had some kind of edge. But the reality is that throwing the same prideful CV around to companies and academies I think are beneath me doesn't really help my case. Ali Abdaal's help is needed after-all.
It's 9am and I still feel groggy. If you live in the Philippines you'd think that it's so late in the morning already and that you're already awake at this hour coffee all kicked in. You'd think that my job-hunting efforts are… lacking effort. This is the reality of a slump. This past summer has beat me up to a pulp that it's hard for me to not use my phone as soon as I wake-up. I go to the gym probably once a week. Forced, convinced by going with someone. I told myself I'd commit to Yoga with Adrienne's 30 day yoga challenge-thingy; I did the first one last week. I rationalise the money I'm spending on eczema stuff, I bribed nurses in the hospital with baked-goods, I don't reschedule my dental, ob-gyne and derma appointments even though I pay 55 euros a month for insurance. There were some days that I didn't eat anything. There was a day where I weighed 6kilos less, then after I binged I gained 2kilos.
So how did an Ali Abdaal video get me dressed-up sipping iced coffee and writing at 9am? I think the most important point that he made was to lead with value in applications. I often make the mistake of listing down the things in my resume, feeling international AF and sans any explanation on how I could be good for the team and what skills will I bring to the table. I've been lazy, I admit it.
I also thought that it's probably not right to apply for a bunch of jobs I'm not really keen on doing. I like, I guess half the earth's population, want to at least enjoy the work I'm doing.
So aside from taking into consideration Ali Abdaal's resume advice, I also have to consider and think about the kind of job… I want. Which people can I slide into their DM's asking for advice, a lead, an answer.
Both Oscar and Francis have encouraged me to keep writing. Francis encouraged me to review stuff and Oscar suggested that I find a research topic and just write.
Everything you just read right now was written a month ago. My only edit: I deleted the last and unfinished sentence. “I'd say the move to write everyday is fuelled by a Psyche article I read…” I remember exactly which article was in my mind. I just can't bring myself to open it and skim through it and then preach how motivated I was to write because in reality… I haven't given myself time to write at all.
It's easy to blame my lack of motivation on certain mundane things, like the weather. It's been so gloomy so my mood is down, maybe I'm depressed. Maybe it's because I didn't eat breakfast. Maybe because I'm not caffeinated enough. I think I need a shower first; tomorrow I'll try again once the time is right. I bought an Amazon Alexa to play music (on command, and also just because it was cheap) it arrived two days ago. But our Wifi just got cut, and now it can't play my cafe music playlist, maybe the vibe just isn't right now.
In reality the vibes are never quite right. I know everyone has some sort of work set-up: where you guys study, where you guys work, where you guys write your Substack posts, where you guys talk to me from the other end of the screen, where you probably feel safe and confident. I often wonder what your triggers are to continue on working and doing your hobbies. Is it because of the monitor, the laptop stand, or the little things you've collected that are now on your desk? Because right now I just have my mirror and it has glittery bunnies and ducks, a water bottle, and an elephant painting from my Tita Marites.
None of these things are important to me, in fact I don't really like a “cluttered” desk so everything “desk related” are just in drawers. My passports, the post-its, the 5 different notebooks I have. But is it a question of material triggers or am I really just lazy and finding an excuse to decorate? Francis recently uploaded her first Substack post *yay!!!*. I love how it's called in my room, and even before she would tell me she felt the most confident and creative in her room, by her desk. From her desk she faces different pictures of our friends, polaroids and some from different photobooths, her different paintings with the tape on, and a small message card from her parents when they gave her a bouqet from graduation. Am I stalking Francis? No, I've just been to almost all her living spaces at this point that I know what's on her wall.
So again, am I just lazy or do I need to decorate? I think the answer is both. I haven't been really picking-up the pieces. I feel empty and unfulfilled by my free time. It's only recently where I felt confident in my teaching skills again, despite three years of handling literally all ages. But even that dwindles from time to time. So contrary to Francis, I need structure, and a plan. I'm used to having a timetable (schedule in aMeriCaN) and knowing which class to go to next as a student and also as a Language Assistant. I'm used to working my life around others; I made time for myself in the morning so that when I went to school I felt some semblance of the word “alive”.
Even though being a Language Assistant wasn't the best thing in the world career-wise, it was nice to feel needed, it was nice to be forced in situations. I was often surprised by how much the kids loved me and how they responded to whatever I put in front of them. You'd often hear that their level is not enough for what you have in mind, but then a bunch of fourth-graders surprise you when they fully understand your presentation on Elections, and the simplified information they now know about the Philippines, of Marcos, of income-inequality, and leadership.
So maybe what I really need is for one of you to give me a task, some kind of homework, so I can work my way through it. There are many pending tasks and ideas to be picked on in my brain such as: forcing myself to write weekly, prepare a class on Architectural Heritage in Manila, book reviews, research on Art History, ask me to work in a bookshop, tell me to film a reading vlog, make me rearrange my bookmarks, and tell me that mundane tasks can wait. I may have taken the term “student for life” too seriously because maybe I just want someone to lead me in some direction.
Reading
I didn't really talk about my bookshelf but you will find that my two cheap metal IKEA shelves have my books coordinated by color, with empty wine bottles as book-ends. This Psyche article is about nurturing a personal library. I now have 5 million other links open because of it.
I didn't finish a lot of books I thought I would like (House of Memory, The Posthumous Memoirs of Bras Cubas, Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norell, to name a few) my natural remedy to reading books that I know I like and have gotten bored of is to read fantasy books. Breaking the pattern just means reading a lot of yearning, heartbreak, and making myself feel like I wanna take my heart out of my chest. I finished Once Upon A Broken Heart and The Ballad of Never After in four days. They are not part of the Caraval Trilogy but it is set in the same world and is chronological. In short, I spoiled myself. But it was damn good.
Countless Middleweb articles.
Watching
I first heard of The Ballad of Never After from caricanread's vlog, I was cleaning when I heard of the book, but now I can say that I 100% feel the same since I finished the book.
I have the worst period cramps in the world and it's even more deadly when I've been sad/stressed/depressed. I was wallowing in pain a week ago when I watched Hitomi Mochizucki's vlog where she lived by her cycle for a month.
Listening
It's officially Autumn, so I've been listening to Taylor Swift's Fearless, Red, Evermore, and Lover. Also Wildest Dreams.
Break My Broken Heart - Winona Oak
Shinunoga E-Wa - Fujii Kaze
So Hot You're Hurting My Feelings - Caroline Polachek
Links
Five books for tailored reading lists.
*small disclaimer: I didn't edit this at all… so I'm sorry for rambling lol
I can totally relate from the vibes not being right and the impeding impetus of finding how I could get off my ass and **do** something, and to feel that validation of being needed and having purpose. ur substack is saur good
Girl i am familiar with the feeling lol the only thing i can say is indulge. Whatever it is, whatever you want to do, just indulge yourself in it. It doesnt have to be grand or intellectual or life changing. In the words of Shia Labeouf: JUST DO IT !!!!! it doesnt matter if u drop the thing in a couple of days, or find another interesting thing to latch onto, just INDULGE !!! Nothing can go wrong with spoiling yourself especially in days like this. Just try everything. i enjoyed ur ramble so no need to apologize. I like it raw HSJSKSK☠️ All my luv 💖💖💖💖