Hi!
I didn't realise it's been almost a month since I last wrote. I felt like May has been a flurry of e-mail's, Substack subscriptions filling my inbox, and me busying myself with work. I wrote down a lot of ideas throughout the weeks but I never really took the time to sit down and focus. I owe myself a bit of self-reflection.
As a matter of fact,
The South of Europe isn't a great place to become rich. As Filipinos, we have the idea that the West is rich. While it is true that most people are earning a decent income, the healthcare is free, travel is easy, and education is accessible to everyone, and their transportation system actually works… This is all they have. Hear me out, it doesn't sound bad now, but you should know that when you start working, your salary probably starts at 700 euros, 900 at best, and can go only as high as 2,500. These figures come from most of the people I talked to, but I'll eventually find a more accurate statistic to prove my point later.1 But what I'm trying to say is that… there really isn't any motivation to excel.
Teaching moment: Why do you think Spain needs Auxiliares de Conversacion? This is literally translated as “Conversation Helper” the saucier, correct translation is “Language Assistant”. It is part because everything they consume is IN Spanish (everything is DUBBED), and part because they (kids, adults) don't have the perspective that English is important. In my school, students learn half their main subjects in Castellano, half in their language Valencía, and English and Arts are in, well English. Most kids are immigrants also, so English will be their fourth language. What importance does english have in their life, when Natural Sciences is in a language that only them and Catalonia speaks, when everything is dubbed, when they've colonised Latin America and they speak Spanish anyway? I'm grateful that the teachers at my school are good really, the BEST teachers. They make English fun and engaging, and most the students have visible progress. At least to me. So this is one in a million. A diamond in the rough forreal.
Moving on.
This is the same for government offices and foreign offices. Why do you think bureaucracy exists? It's because these funcionarios are getting their salary no matter how fast, how efficient, or how many bad reviews you leave. They care mostly about their consistent salary, doing the job, closing up shop 5 minutes before they actually close, and enjoy their life.
While it is admirable that they are socially well adjusted, they are kind and helpful, and really living in Spain has healed a lot in me… It is very difficult to do more.
So if you're a 20-something, hopeful and ready to work, the best option is to simply leave.
Hidden desires (or more like the continuation of the cliffhanger).
If you haven't read Manifesting, witches, then maybeee I'd start with that first.
I haven't really known who I wanted to be for awhile. I've been stuck on pursuing old dreams and pressuring myself to fulfil them another time. Procrastination is not a good habit after all. I've been keeping to myself what I really feel like is right to me because the truth is I haven't had the confidence to make any changes. I've been so closed off on other options because… I'm comfortable. And also anxious, and scared. Mostly, directionless. But really, the first step is to dream and see whats out there, instead of being so overwhelmed and not doing anything in the end. I learned this from my therapist, so that's how you know its good professional advice. O Ha!
Desire #1: Live somewhere new every month/every 6 months.
I think I'm ready to leave my small town. I've been craving to meet more people and explore new places with a deeper understanding of the place. I really enjoy living in Spain, and enjoy the life by this side of the Mediterranean, but I can also see myself living in Madrid, in London, in Lisbon, somewhere in Germany, somewhere in the States, or in Manila again.
I enjoy learning Spanish, and being accustomed to local food. If you gave me a tostada and a cafe con leche two and half years ago I would've side eye so hard I'd be blind by now. So I would like to experience the same things with a different set of variables. German, and eating I don't know, bratwurst every morning until I'm not sick of it. Getting confused by Portuguese, Spanish and Italian when I order is problem I dream of having. Do I say bom dia or bon dia? That is the question.
Desire #2: Write (really, Collaborate) on a new history curriculum and new textbooks.
I'm not sure how many people I told about this. But I imagine not many because it may come as a big surprise to you. Or not. I thought about working in DepEd around my fourth year of University, with big dreams to change the system. I don't really know what annoyed me to come to that point, or maybe inspired. But I think it had something to do with the times. At the time, they removed Philippine History in Senior High, and then at another point they made a Readings in Philippine History class for the same level2. So there's a bunch of students who stopped learning history and then suddenly are presented with raw sources and… no context? A thorough research on these things to come soon, but the point is… I understood the disillusion. We don't study our colonial history apart from the atrocities. We probably don't even have the 20 years of Martial Law in our textbooks. Our textbooks tell us to interview people from the 1898 revolution. Almost all the subjects in my primary years were in English, so it made Araling Panlipunan very difficult for me since it was in Tagalog.
This is just the WORST as we don't understand who we are as a nation… any new information that seems reliable on the internet is automatically believed. That the systems in place are hiding the REAAAAL truths. That there are so many bloggers and vloggers out there uncovering the veil.
Saying that there's room for improvement is an understatement. I had to learn along the way that in fact, I can't be a Karen or a Marites in this situation. Just because it seemed reasonable, complain-worthy, and that I deserve better! doesn't mean the systems and the people in place are in for the ride. Especially now that our future is looking quite grim, as another Marcos is set to become the next President.
This desire is… on hiatus for now since there are more problems in disinformation that will happen and is happening.
Desire #3: Work as an Art Curator.
This has been my numero uno desire as soon as my three-years in the program were up. I wanted to study an MA in Art History or in Curation in Spain. Unfortunately, I can't switch to a student visa unless it is related to what I did “previously”. Basically, I can't switch unless it will be an MA in English or Teaching English. Which feels like a lot of time, money and investment to do just to be legal. I've looked into other Universities in Europe… but this has been pushed back for (my) lack of funds.
But since we are dreaming here, I'll tell you why I'm so interested in it.
It's because I never learned it. I did my own research for my Heritage thesis, I learned all the terminologies, the different perspectives, and I was stressed, and I had… things to say. I didn't have courses on Art History or Architectural Heritage. We did have majors in Cultural History and Museum stuff but we had just one professor for both, that he didn't even specialise in anyway. My University laid off a lot of teachers when the government put in the K-12 system, compared to the rest of the world, we don't go through Middle School or Bachillerato. So, que pena.
The desire is rooted in curiosity, and also because I know I have a good eye. My taste is excellent. And if I combine having “things to say” and a really good representation of that, then the world will explode and I will be rich I have a good feeling I'll really enjoy the process. Right now I'm just researching what it's really about I don't want to jump in a Masters program without trying on my own. The most I've done is grieve the "what-if's” of maybe studying in The Netherlands, and I subscribed to a newsletter about art.
Desire #4: Open a bookstore/cafe/art space.
It's no secret that I love books, bookstores, cafes, and art… so why not put them all together? It's gonna be cute, it's not gonna be too aesthetic to attract the weird instagram crowd, and it's gonna be cosy. This is something to pursue when I'm richer and can afford to sell books.
Who am I when no one's watching?
These days when no one's watching I sit in silence. Inner peace has been so important to me, more so when you live with three other people and you are especially a**o**d at one of them. I'm reflective, but my thoughts are usually overpowered by anxiety. When no one's watching, I second guess what I really wanna do and end up staying at home. I'm learning to not respond so quickly online, and to take time to rest in between meeting different people. I'm basically learning to set boundaries. When no one's watching I open 10 different tabs off of RyanAir because half the time I don't know what to do in the city where the flight is 5.99. I close the 10 tabs after I tell myself "no, you're saving”. When no one's watching the I reminisce life when I was a kid and things weren't so complicated. Or really, all I do is crave the company of my friends back home and be jealous of their group travels. When no one's watching I look at the different apartments available on Idealista. My flat is amazing but sometimes I need to come home and feel like I'm not the only one changing the trash, washing tablecloths, and starting the dishwasher. When no one's watching I plan to escape.
When no one's watching, it takes me a lot of effort to write, to read, or to do anything. But when I do it makes me a little bit happier. Thank you for reading <3
Reading
Watching
Listening
Music For a Sushi Restaurant - Harry Styles
The Wave - SE SO NEON
joke! - SE SO NEON
Day Off - Daisy
Dontcha - The Internet
Wiggle - binki
I don't know why pero i cried a bit. I love this post so much b, and i relate to it a lot. So many desires, so little time/ways. We'll be all right. Love and light ❤️
actually any work where u dictate taste sits right in my mind brain